Seasonal Seasoning

Para kang isang pista na minsan lang sa isang taon na nangyayari. Kinakailangan pa na magsabit ng bandaritas para maisigaw sa lahat na may okasyon. Pero tanong: ano nga ba ang meron?

Safe kong sabihin na higit isang taon na nating kilala ang isa't isa, at least, sa pangalan. Kung bakit nga naman kasi nag-hello ka pa noong pinakilala tayo ng isang kaibigan. At kung bakit ko nga naman kasi naisip na sa paraang iyon ay napaisip ako na may potential ka rin. 

Nakakabaliw na rin isipin kung ano nga ba ang pakay mo sa mga pasimpleng hirit sa tuwing may mga pagpupulong. Mabuti na lamang na sa mga samu't saring pakikitungo at relasyon ay halos expert na ako pagdating sa pagsakay. Pero sa totoo lang, nahihiya na rin ako sa mga reaksyon ko sa tuwing nababanggit ang pangalan ko at sa tuwing tatanungin ako ng iba nating kaibigan kung may namamagitan ba sa ating dalawa. Pati ang sarili kong sagot at paulit-ulit na "wala" ay pinagdududahan ko na rin. Wala rin naman akong matanungan nang maayos kung may katuturan ang mga naririnig ko tungkol sa ating dalawa.

Ano nga ba ang tamang sagot sa tanong na hindi dapat pag-aksayahan ng laway para sagutin? Anu-ano nga ba ang mga pamantayan para sa susunod na tanong ay alam ko ang mapangahas na sagot sa tanong na nakakarindi na rin ibato sa akin? Una, alam ko ang pangalan mo. Pangalawa, alam mo ang pangalan ko. Pangatlo, nakapag-usap na rin naman tayo (nang ilang beses). Pangapat...wala na. 

Sa araw araw na bumabangon at tinitignan ang telepono ko ay ni minsan ay hindi ka nagtext. Bakit nga naman tayo magtetext sa isa't isa nang walang kadahilanan, di ba? Oo nga pala, narinig ko na may pagka-mahinhin ka kaya sa bawat pagkuha ng atensiyon ko ay kinakailangan ng suporta sa kahit anong paraan; madalas-tulay na bulok naman. Pero kahit na may pagka-supladita at maldita ako, ay marunong din naman ako ngumiti kahit man lang sa text. Bakit hindi mo kasi subukan magtanong?  Hindi rin naman lahat ng sagot ko sa magiging tanong mo ay "hindi" kasi naniniwala ako na kalahati ng pagkakataon ay karapat dapat ang sagot na "oo". 

from image sketch

Siguro nga, wala naman talaga ako sa iyo maliban sa isang kakilala sa kung saan. Ilang beses na rin ako nagparamdam para magkausap tayo pero siguro nga ay hindi, man lamang, tayo magiging magkaibigan. Marahil wala sa plano mo ang makipagkilala talaga o panindigan ang mga pabiro mong pagpaparinig dahil siguro nga totoo ang tsismis na hindi ka pa naka-move on. Kung kaya, siguro kahit dumating man ang araw na kinakailangan ko nang umalis ay hindi ka pa rin gagawa ng kahit na ano. Magtanong ka o kahit man lang mag-aya para magkape tayo; hindi ko naman siguro kailangan ipagdamot ang sagot na "oo".

Alam mo, okay ka naman talaga. Kakaiba. Nakakatawa na nakakainis na minsan na sa dinami-dami ng mga kakilala ko, ay ikaw lang itong sobrang labo. 

Napanood mo na ba ang "3 Idiots"? Kung hindi pa, panoorin mo, wala lang: chill.

Questions

It’s has been over a year since the last time it happened. The memory was still vivid: the invitation, the hesitancy, the acceptance, the whiff inside the room, and the flavorful conversation. Even until now, the event left a trace of nothing but mystery. The smiles were still there but they conveyed plain charm. The laughter was still lucid but told a pinch of amusement. 

It was a busy day. I got a call and heard a familiar loud voice at the other end of the line. The exchange of words was quite short; I just heard myself saying, "okay". But then, I didn't realize that an unexpected call led to a memory that until now makes me wonder what is the true meaning of that instance when somebody just sat beside me and said, a different warmth of, ...

Dedicated to Someone I call “F”

Funny, of all the letters in the alphabet, I chose the letter F. Maybe because, one, your real name doesn’t have one on it, and two, maybe, because I am lucky; we’re Friends.

It was never my intention to write this dedication but I felt I just have to. It has been months since bits and pieces keep on whirling around my head. Nonetheless, I am very certain that you will never read this.

I am Sorry.

I didn’t expect a simple favor and planned information dissemination would lead to an extended getting-to-know-you-better conversation.  To tell you honestly, that event was not, and never, for you. I think I just let my side of being courteous entertain childlike tête-à-tête. On the contrary, I seemed to enjoy it. Thank you.

I am Sorry.

Accepting a simple invitation was indeed an agreeable mistake. It led to an opportunity to get to know the naïveté beneath your sometimes-somber personality. I admit it would never be easy to face the fact that time comes to pass and there was a need for goodbye’s for the earlier hello’s. The good nights and the good mornings that were something to look forward everyday had to come to an end. I hesitated because you did too.

I am Sorry.

I pity you for the times you said that you were happier and being “yourself” whenever you splurge time with people outside your clique. You mentioned that there was no pressure (the type I don’t comprehend much) at all.  I could still remember, one late night evening, you send me a note that you were inspired that I got curious about it. A short dialogue was entertained but it did not lead to a conclusion as to where does motivation come from. In the end, there were a dozen of what I call, effortful flowers I didn’t expect to receive.

I am Sorry.

The queries that seem to be unusual during knowledge assessment were honey to my bee. You are so affable that I could not brush off the idea of hidden agenda. One incident led to another and before I knew it, I tripped off to an edge of sanity. You’re nonchalant, gallant, and I fell into the trap of admiration.

I am Sorry.

It has been XX months. The last time I heard about you was about The Club. From then on, everyday, literally, I would see your face from everywhere. The moment I wake up, I would check my phone, hoping you sent me an inquiry or just a simple greeting. As I get myself dress to work, I would reminisce the moments I was excited in walking under the morning sun. And, lastly, as I let the wind kiss my cheek, I see you among the people I meet. I see your smile, and it just makes the day worth calling it one. Call it insanity and I would respond, maybe.

I am Sorry.

It hurts the most that by a string of words, everything went down to scratch. I wouldn’t even assure myself that you can keep secrets. I am sorry; you were just too good for me. I did a familiar feat and am proud to found a friend I will always keep even if I change my name.

I am Sorry.

I know there must be something behind those actions. I may be haughty and conceited but I am not dim-witted. It just hurts to know that the feeling may be mutual but you are not hu(man) enough to stand up for what you want. And I say it again, I am Sorry; for now, you’re just worth the tears. 

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11/30/2009