Chatbox

When was the last time you smiled?

When was the last time you laughed?

When was the last time you felt something was definitely right?

It was late year of the 2000s when I met this person just because I asked various favors from my friend to introduce me. He had nice wavy hair, good set of teeth with braces, well-framed face, and pleasing eyes. He was one word: handsome. The only drawback is he was just as tall as I am. A lot of drama were played just to tease fate that I'd like us to meet. 

And we did meet and his name was something I will never forget.

I asked my friend another set of favors and another set, until I suggested I ran errands for her for a so-called "emergency". To my frustration he did not respond nor even reacted in any way. Then my phone beeped telling me about an incoming message to be read. It was not him but his friend. The frustration just went deeper inside me. On the contrary, I then wore my friendliness and entertained some queries. Unexpectedly, I felt fine- entertained. 

Days turned to weeks. My friend just laughed at me saying that I just didn't hit the target; it slipped to a wrong one. However this "friend" was somebody I did not expect to meet. We almost had almost the same set of likes and dislikes. We talked a variety of things, as the cliche goes, under the sun. Conversation was never plain between us. The exchange of stories was like a wind that never ceased to blow between us. It took awhile until one day I received a message with something like, "...inspiration." Out of curiosity, the means of communication expanded. What happened next was something I will never remove from the box of memories. Roses, a smile, and a name that I held dear.

Unexpectedly, almost everyone knew there was a special connection going between us. Graciously I denied that it was merely friendship, as far as I believed. However, I later found out that the "name" was quite known to some. I felt abashed to my ears but I managed discretely so as not to attract any further attention.

The day came when every friend of ours seemed to accept how I and my friend treated each other in our own special way. I will never forget those three pieces of dark cookies that I wished I never had eaten, or the time when he traced his fingers through my long thin hair, or even the moment he touched my face with both hands just to pull me away from the attention I was giving to other friends. I almost melted but I hid it as proficiently as I could.

These were the moments that you might be smiling as I did. On the other hand, later, I came to realize that I was building something so fragile and as expected, I was shattered to pieces. *

Seasonal Seasoning

Para kang isang pista na minsan lang sa isang taon na nangyayari. Kinakailangan pa na magsabit ng bandaritas para maisigaw sa lahat na may okasyon. Pero tanong: ano nga ba ang meron?

Safe kong sabihin na higit isang taon na nating kilala ang isa't isa, at least, sa pangalan. Kung bakit nga naman kasi nag-hello ka pa noong pinakilala tayo ng isang kaibigan. At kung bakit ko nga naman kasi naisip na sa paraang iyon ay napaisip ako na may potential ka rin. 

Nakakabaliw na rin isipin kung ano nga ba ang pakay mo sa mga pasimpleng hirit sa tuwing may mga pagpupulong. Mabuti na lamang na sa mga samu't saring pakikitungo at relasyon ay halos expert na ako pagdating sa pagsakay. Pero sa totoo lang, nahihiya na rin ako sa mga reaksyon ko sa tuwing nababanggit ang pangalan ko at sa tuwing tatanungin ako ng iba nating kaibigan kung may namamagitan ba sa ating dalawa. Pati ang sarili kong sagot at paulit-ulit na "wala" ay pinagdududahan ko na rin. Wala rin naman akong matanungan nang maayos kung may katuturan ang mga naririnig ko tungkol sa ating dalawa.

Ano nga ba ang tamang sagot sa tanong na hindi dapat pag-aksayahan ng laway para sagutin? Anu-ano nga ba ang mga pamantayan para sa susunod na tanong ay alam ko ang mapangahas na sagot sa tanong na nakakarindi na rin ibato sa akin? Una, alam ko ang pangalan mo. Pangalawa, alam mo ang pangalan ko. Pangatlo, nakapag-usap na rin naman tayo (nang ilang beses). Pangapat...wala na. 

Sa araw araw na bumabangon at tinitignan ang telepono ko ay ni minsan ay hindi ka nagtext. Bakit nga naman tayo magtetext sa isa't isa nang walang kadahilanan, di ba? Oo nga pala, narinig ko na may pagka-mahinhin ka kaya sa bawat pagkuha ng atensiyon ko ay kinakailangan ng suporta sa kahit anong paraan; madalas-tulay na bulok naman. Pero kahit na may pagka-supladita at maldita ako, ay marunong din naman ako ngumiti kahit man lang sa text. Bakit hindi mo kasi subukan magtanong?  Hindi rin naman lahat ng sagot ko sa magiging tanong mo ay "hindi" kasi naniniwala ako na kalahati ng pagkakataon ay karapat dapat ang sagot na "oo". 

from image sketch

Siguro nga, wala naman talaga ako sa iyo maliban sa isang kakilala sa kung saan. Ilang beses na rin ako nagparamdam para magkausap tayo pero siguro nga ay hindi, man lamang, tayo magiging magkaibigan. Marahil wala sa plano mo ang makipagkilala talaga o panindigan ang mga pabiro mong pagpaparinig dahil siguro nga totoo ang tsismis na hindi ka pa naka-move on. Kung kaya, siguro kahit dumating man ang araw na kinakailangan ko nang umalis ay hindi ka pa rin gagawa ng kahit na ano. Magtanong ka o kahit man lang mag-aya para magkape tayo; hindi ko naman siguro kailangan ipagdamot ang sagot na "oo".

Alam mo, okay ka naman talaga. Kakaiba. Nakakatawa na nakakainis na minsan na sa dinami-dami ng mga kakilala ko, ay ikaw lang itong sobrang labo. 

Napanood mo na ba ang "3 Idiots"? Kung hindi pa, panoorin mo, wala lang: chill.

Colored Stains

Thursday
Somewhere within the campus
1700 hours

“I wanna be where you are…where loneliness is far”, my phone rang with its new tune. I saw my good friend, Gerald's * name flashing at its scree and I answered with the usual, "Hello budz, what's up?" Before I could even hear his voice, I already know the immediate answer. He and his girlfriend fought again and he needed a confidante: ME.

"Bick, are you within the area? Could we have some coffee?”
“I know you, Gerald. Would you want me to meet you up somewhere?”
“No. I’m in my car now, so just tell me where you are and I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“Okay, I'm taking a break from thesis work.”
“All right, boss. On my way now...”

Fifteen minutes later, I saw a blue BMW came towards the direction where I was sitting. Two signature beeps and I know it was him. I gathered my "self-help" books and walked towards the car.

“Nice one you got here. What’s the assessment of BMW's latest model?"

“So, so…”

“So… look straight to me in the eye and tell me it’s NOT your fault, dear.”

"Ask me that same question again when I get our Java frappe, okay? I think I’m going to burst.”

Gerald and I have been good friends. Since the very first day we were introduced to one another in an event, we were kind of inseparable [that is, if his girlfriend was not around]. People wondered for several years why we never became an "official item". We both dig cars, cartoon, comic books (or graphic novels), coffee, cheese pizza, computer games; I'd say almost all, except chem (he prefers sheer numbers)! 

Somewhere outside the campus

1745 hours

We got a nice place at our favorite coffee shop and upon arrival of what we ordered, Gerald began his qualms.

“I was a total idiot.”

He began his story with the days of "bother-me-not-this-time" and I just sat across him listening that I noticed he was angry but was trying to hold back some tears. For thirty minutes, I didn't utter a single word to distract his pace. I just listened to him intently until I heard myself saying the summary of what happened. Deceit. 

from free stock image

My friend has been cheated by the girl he has been dating for five years. The very first day she told him not to bother her (after their latest misunderstanding), it was the day she entertained her high school classmate's "long time admiration of her". Their love story started that same day. [That b--ch!].

As Gerald continued telling me what happened, I could see pain in his eyes that I felt like hugging him. However, to my own surprise, I felt two hot tears  ruining my lightly painted face. 

“Bick, are you okay?”

“Uhh, yes, I am. I think I caught dirt in my eyes. Thanks.” I lied through my teeth though the truth just struck me right then and there. As I removed my glasses and wiped my cheeks dry with my fingers, I wished my phone ring and hear the same tune I heard when Gerald called earlier that day. 

Inside my bedroom
2200 hours

“I wanna be where you are…where loneliness is far. We’re a million miles apart, but I know in my heart” Registered: one missed call.

-----------
Note: *fictional character and place

Itatago Nalang Kita sa Pangalang...

Galing ako sa Maynila ngayong hapon.

Alas-nuwebe na pala pero buti nalang mayroon pang LRT2 papuntang Katipunan. Tulad nang dati, kelangan sumakay ng jeep papuntang estasyon, magpapahipo nang legal sa mga guwardiya, bibili ng tiket, at sasakay ng tren.

Nilakad ko hanggang sakayan papuntang rotonda. Nang hindi inaasahan, naisip kita. Gusto ko sana na itext kita ng “Uy, kamusta? Ano gimik mo bukas? Kape naman tayo :)”, kaya lang nailipat ko na sa loob ng bag ang telepono ko.

“Manong, bayad po.”

Narating ko rin ang estasyon.

Dating gawi.

Sakay. Siksikan.

Halos lahat ng tao ay galing sa kung san mang imbitasyon sa kalakhang Maynila sa dami ng naririnig kong kwento at tawa, at sa mga nakikita kong mga bitbit at hubog ng mga mata. Halu-halong emosyon. Ang ganda.  May magandang babae sa harap ko at may magandang lalaki naman sa tabi ko. Wow! Ibang klase ang biyaheng ito. Napaisip tuloy ako, nagparamdam ka ba bigla?

Pagdating sa Cubao, ay nakaupo din ako nang hindi nilalagay ang bag ko sa harap ko. Napatingin ako sa may bandang harap. Ang cute…

Ang kyut ng matabang batang lalaki habang nagta-tantrums: isang batang paslit na hinihila ang nanay na lumabas na daw ng tren sa Cubao na estasyon. Pinapatahan na siya ng Dadi at Mami niya dahil hindi pa daw pwede at malayo pa.

Hindi pa…tayo. Hanggang kelan na naman ba tong nararamdaman ko? Malayo pa ang biyahe at wala akong karapatan mag-tantrums.

Naglakad na naman ang isip ko.

Pwede nga ba tayo?

Ewan ko ba naman sa dinami dami ng nakilala ko ay ikaw pa itong dumaan sa isip ko na yayain bukas mag-kape. Kaya lang, hindi pa naman tayo talagang magkaibigan. Magkakilala, pwede pa.

Ang galing mo rin, e no? Pero sa totoo lang, magaling ka naman talaga. Sa dami mong alam at napapansin sa mundo ay minsan, hindi ko na makilatis kung gaano kalalim ang pinaghuhugutan mo. Isang kahangalan ang hindi marunong magpuri sa isang artistang tulad mo.

Nabaling na naman ang tingin ko sa batang nagpupumilit na lumabas na ng tren. Pasigaw na ang iyak ng bata kaya kahit mas malaki siya sa Mami niya at binuhat siya nito at niyakap.

Isang akap na minsa’y naglaro sa isip ko kung maaari nga bang mangyari. Ano kaya ang pakiramdam na mayakap mo at masabihan na “tahan na…”? Ano nga ba ang kahulugan ng paghawak ng aking kamay sabay tingin na parang “narito ako… ”nang walang pagaalinglangan?

“Arriving at Katipunan Station. Paparating na sa Katipunan Station.”

Tumahan na rin ang bata habang hinahaplos ng kanyang ina. Napagod yata.

Naramdaman ko na rin ang pagod ko; para bang gusto ko na putulin ang oras ng paglalakad palabas sa estasyon pauwi. 


Ang dami ko namang iniisip. Ano kaya ang ginagawa mo sa mga oras na naisip kita? 

Siya nga, pwede nga ba tayo? Ano kaya ang nasa isip mo sa mga panahong ito na napaisip ako…

Hindi kaya sayang lang ang genes nating dalawa kung maging tayo?

Huwag ka sana magtampo kung sinusulat kita dito. Naisip lang kita ngayong araw. May number ako sa telepono mo, sana magtext ka.

Good night, Clarence.

photo courtesy of  urbanrail.net

[itutuloy…]